Isekai-Ish, Episode Zero

Episode Zero:
Luna: Hi, everyone, welcome to Isekai-ish, an actual play DnD podcast. I’m Luna, your Dungeon Master, voice actor, jane of all trades and all-round good gal. I’m here with players watermeloncutgrass…
Watermeloncutgrass: Howdy. I play the character of Chaz Dumbledore, a human wizard.
SuzyQ: Are we allowed to appropriate a character’s name like that?
Watermeloncutgrass: Your character name is literally your own name.
SuzyQ: We’re using our online aliases, so you don’t actually know my name.
Luna: (clears throat) And SuzyQ, who is playing Suzanne Sommers, a human rogue. And BardsAreBest…
BardsAreBest: Heya. My character is Hilary Noi, who is a human bard with a semi-tragic backstory.
Luna: And Dr.Dooflovesmusicals…
Dr.Dooflovesmusicals: I play Elegas, Necromancer of the Western Keep. Or as his parents call him, Allen. He’s a druid with a chuunibyou complex.
BardsAreBest: (laughing) Wait, a what?
Dr.Dooflovesmusicals: A druid with a chuunibyou complex. It refers to the middle schoolers who have fantastical ideas and/or delusions about themselves, thinking that they’re secretly people who have hidden powers or are reincarnations of famous people or what-have-you. It’s a trope in a lot of anime now.
Luna: Should be fun. And Mos Eisley…
Mos Eisley: I will be playing Myles McCoy, a former otaku, now stuck as a barbarian.
Luna: And last but not least, IsekaidOnline.
IsekaidOnline: I play Big Tom, a juvenile delinquent cleric.
(Group laughs)
Luna: Sounds like a fun group altogether. To let any listeners know, we are all relatively new to DnD. I’ve DMed a bit, but never with a group this big, and I think all of you have only played a couple campaigns, yeah?
(Noises of affirmation)
Luna: So there will be lots of looking up rules and stuff. Please bear with us. Also, as a reminder to our players and a note to our listeners, our mutual friend who introduced us to each other, and probably our only listener ever, asked us to keep the language and sequences PG, since she has two young kids who will also be listening. So keep that in mind, y’all.
Watermeloncutgrass: I shall strive for perfection.
Luna: I mean, I can do some bleeping and stuff, but make my job a little easier, okay? It’s gonna be hard enough to wrangle you as a DM without more work as audio editing.
IsekaidOnline: Suuurely DnD players would never cause trouble for the DM.
Luna: (laugh) Right, right. It’s not like the 50 different tabletop RPG podcasts you listen to has anything different. Okay, so anyway. I would like to go ahead and get started, if that’s okay with everyone?
Mos Eisley: I actually have a quick question before starting. Are we going to start with the actual event of our characters being isekai-ed, or do a later flashback type thing?
Luna: I mean, I had planned on the actual event. Unless you just want to skip that part for now?
(Overlapping voices that trend to the skipping the entrance part)
Luna: Okay, I guess we’ll do that. Gimme a second. Okay. Um, so six travelers walk into a bar.
Mos Eisley: (laugh) Is this the beginning of a joke?
Watermeloncutgrass: Is a bar rated PG or PG-13?
Luna: Okay, fine, it’s an inn. It’s got a restaurant tavern type area attached to it. It’s kind of medieval times-inspired. You’ve got a little stage area at one end, where someone could sing and entertain the patrons. Which the restaurant also has. A bunch of them. They’re all eating food. And at the opposite end, close to the door where you walked in, is a little bar area where you can order drinks. Like… soda pop and milkshakes.
Mos Eisley: You call it soda pop?
Luna: Yes. Anyway, the bartender looks over at all of you as you enter the room. Tell me, who is in the front of the group?
BardsAreBest: Definitely not Hilary. She hates being in front of people.
Dr.Dooflovesmusicals: Allen is first in line, I think. He’s kind of the swagger-y type who pushes himself forward in situations. He’s kind of delusional, almost? But like, in a good way. I’m picturing dyed blue hair, eyepatch, bandages wrapped around his arms and hands, maybe an embroidered jacket with like dragons and stuff on it.
Luna: (laughing) I love this character already. Please tell me he’s a delusional cinnamon roll.
Dr.Dooflovesmusicals: Yeah, sure.
Watermeloncutgrass: Can Chaz be next? I want you to picture a jock type, like… oh gosh, I can’t think of anyone other than Fred in Scooby-Doo.
(Group laughter)
Watermeloncutgrass: Yeah, my brain went blank, but I’ll go with it. Big guy, played football, all-American type. He’s a wizard, so he’s got a wand, probably.
Luna: A cheerleader’s baton, from his cheerleader girlfriend.
(Group laughter)
Watermeloncutgrass: It’s a good idea, but I don’t think so. I’ll think about it and get back to you. I really did think about having him in his football uniform, but I think instead he’s in sweats and a hoodie, like he just finished a run. Seems more comfortable.
SuzyQ: Can Suzanne be next? So she was one of the popular girls in their high school. So kind of like the blonde chick in Mean Girls, but much nicer.
Luna: I’ve never watched that movie. I don’t think I missed much.
Watermeloncutgrass: As the only guy in an all-female household, I had to watch it. It’s okay, just not my cup of tea.
SuzyQ: That’s fair. My family loves Die Hard, and I don’t. Personal preference. Anyhow, I’m thinking blonde hair, blue eyes, attractive, knows how to make a fashion statement. But since she’s a Rogue now, she’s actually enjoying having stealth and being able to hide better, so she’s dressed in the most inconspicuous outfit she could find, and covers her hair with a handkerchief. But she still does all the hair and skincare routines when she can, cause she likes it.
Luna: Okay. Does she try to sneak publicly? For example, trying to stay in the shadows or steal stuff, or stuff like that?
SuzyQ: Nah. She just enjoys not being the immediate center of attention like in school.
Mos Eisley: Is she enjoying being away from her entourage? Or does she have one?
SuzyQ: I guess. She’s not like the queen bee, but is in the clique because they kinda… pulled her in? She figured there were worse ways to spend her high school days.
Luna: I really want to explore this later, but for now, let’s put a pin in it. After Suzanne, we have…
IsekaidOnline: Big Tom is definitely at the back of the group. He’s used to hanging back and assessing things, in case a rival gang has it out for him. I can go ahead and introduce him if you want? Okay. He’s built like Danielle Hunter.
(A collective silence and “Who?”)
IsekaidOnline: Never mind, I forgot that I’m the only sports fan in this group. He’s a really jacked football player. You can look him up later. Big Tom’s not black, though, he’s Hispanic. I’m thinking his parents were from Belize, like mine. He joined a gang when he was in middle school and kept getting in trouble. Maybe he’s got a couple tattoos? Definitely piercings. He has a baseball bat strapped on his back.
Dr.Dooflovesmusicals: And yet he’s a cleric. The irony is terrific.
IsekaidOnline: Absolutely. Luna told us to think of characters that would be opposite of the job class, and I figured an assassin wouldn’t be in high school.
Luna: (laughing with others) Fair enough. So I’m assuming then that Hilary is behind Suzanne and in front of Big Tom.
BardsAreBest: I guess so? I’ve lost track of where everyone is exactly, cause it doesn’t make sense to me that we’re all standing in single file.
Luna: Well, I didn’t mean you would stay in single file. Just in the way you came into the room. I don’t think an inn would have huge gates where you all can enter at one time.
BardsAreBest: Okay, I guess that makes more sense. Uh, Hilary Noi is the daughter of local politicians/business people, 3rd generation Thai. She was always pushed a bit, like they want her to follow in their footsteps, so they’ve had her take speech and debate, band, that type of thing. But she absolutely hates being in front of a crowd, hates speaking up, so this has almost caused a bit of trauma, so to speak. She’s not dressed in any way that would draw attention to her, so she’s dressed like Suzanne, I guess. All inconspicuous-like.
Mos Eisley: I feel like Myles would be near the back of the group too. He’s an otaku, like all nerdy and carting around an ipad to keep reading his manga all the time. He’s stereotypical, big glasses, pimples, the lot. A great axe is strapped to his back, and he’s in hide armor. So he looks like a cross between the stereotypical nerd and the stereotypical barbarian.
Luna: All right, that is everyone introduced. Now, where were we thirty minutes ago? Oh yeah. The bartender looks over at Allen and asks, “What can I get you?”
Dr.Dooflovesmusicals: “I will take in only the food given to the dragons themselves.” And Allen does this ridiculous pose, with a bandaged hand held in front of one eye.
IsekaidOnline: Okay, I have to ask, did you base him on that one guy in Saiki?
Dr.Dooflovesmusicals: Yes, I did. I don’t remember being that overdramatic in middle school/high school, but I was also in theatre, so maybe I had an outlet.
Luna: “I’m sorry, Dragon-born, but we only have milkshakes and soda pop.”
Watermeloncutgrass: “Do you have protein shakes?”
SuzyQ: “And can you make one with soy milk? I am lactose intolerant.”
Luna: “I can go out to the fields and find some soy beans, if you can wait long enough. And I suppose I can throw some of the roast beef into a shake, if you need protein.”
(A collective noise of “eww.”)
Luna: “Well, if you prefer regular food, go sit down at a table, and Tracy will be with you shortly.”
SuzyQ: Tracy? That’s the name of a waitress in a fantasy story?
Luna: The more you question my choices as DM, the longer we take to actually get anywhere. You know that, right?
SuzyQ: I know, but it’s so fun.
Luna: Tracy comes over to the table you guys are supposed to be at and glares at it, because you’re not yet.
BardsAreBest: Hilary quickly sits down, because she hates inconveniencing others.
Luna: Thank you very much. From both Tracy and myself.
SuzyQ: Okay fine, I sit down. Happy?
Luna: I’m getting there. I’m gonna say that you all sit down, to cut out some time from this already long introductory episode. Tracy takes your orders, and we’re not playing that out. She brings you your food and drinks eventually. You eat. You enjoy the music, if you’re musical at all. Eventually, the bartender comes over to you, and asks, “Did you find your meal satisfactory?”
IsekaidOnline: Can I roll a constitution saving throw?
Luna: Oh. My. Gosh. Fine.
(dice roll noise)
IsekaidOnline: I got an 11, plus 2, is 13.
Luna: The meat was delicious. But the grease gives you indigestion for a little bit.
IsekaidOnline: That’s fair. I tell her that.
Luna: She ignores that. She’s used to complaining customers.
Mos Eisley: Wait, if she’s used to it, shouldn’t that mean she should be fixing the menu?
Luna: You have clearly never worked in customer service. People complain about literally everything, and you can’t please everyone. Okay?
Mos Eisley: Hey, I’m only 16. I’ve just mowed lawns, okay.
Luna: Moving on. The bartender asks if you’re adventurers.
Dr.DoofLovesMusicals: “Indeed we are, and we take only the most perilous of adventures, to prove our mettle to the world.”
SuzyQ: I cut him off and quickly say, “Within reason. We’re still beginners-”
Dr.DoofLovesMusicals: “No, we’re not.”
SuzyQ: “And we’re still getting the hang of combat-”
Dr.DoofLovesMusicals: “I was born a fighter!”
SuzyQ: “That’s lovely for you, Allen, but I literally sneak around and burgle.”
Dr.DoofLovesMusicals: “And I dash in and wreak havoc!”
Mos Eisley: You’re not the tank! Myles is, you nitwit!
Dr.DoofLovesMusicals: Allen is delusional, my dude. He will dash in, because he’s convinced that he should be the tank of the party, not a Druid.
Luna: He is gonna die so quickly.
Dr.DoofLovesMusicals: Why do you think I was so adamant that we have a Cleric in the party?
BardsAreBest: I’d like to point out that during this whole exchange, Hilary has been shrinking into the corner to be as invisible as possible.
Luna: And the bartender says, “If you’re interested in an adventure, there’s an old lady in the house on the hill who’s wanting someone to investigate a dungeon.”
Watermeloncutgrass: An old lady in the house on the hill?
Luna: I was not prepared for you all to be here. I thought it would start in the high school, and I had that all prepared. Okay?
Dr.DoofLovesMusicals: Okay, okay, okay, okay. How about this? Now that we’ve finally gotten the characters introduced, why don’t we just pause here? Let’s go and do the whole introductory episode to the whole adventure, and then we can officially start at level one, and work our way back in time to this ghastly mess.
Watermeloncutgrass: Well, it’s not like we could do any worse than we have so far. Lols.
Luna: I have a better idea. Let’s just stop recording here, and never release this episode. We can start again next time and hopefully do a better job. We’ve figured out that we suck at this, so we can always improve, yeah?
(laughter)

To be continued???